Thursday with Joe...!

Saturday, 14 July 2007

Thursday with Joe!

do I took this picture when visiting Casablanca. Men ruminating......Thursday is my weekend in Dubai. I went to the gym in the afternoon to improve my blood circulation, to add oxygen supply to my brain and to burn off some of the calories from the farewell dinner the previous night.I felt good because I did something good for myself.Then I got a call from an old friend Joe who is living in Dubai. He asked to see me for dinner. Thus, the gist of this entry.Everyday, everybody hurts. In big or small way, we are snubbed everyday of our lives. Without realizing it, we let others down when we can't reciprocate their fondness for us, or we can't join the event they are organizing, for examples. So we constantly hurts those who we let down if they happen to take it personally. Very personally.Take a situation of my friend Joe for example. He is hurt because his children forgotten his birthday. He felt rejected. Amongst those rejected, people who can handle rejection better will feel better. Even a short text message like, "Hai dad, miss you" can bring much happiness and on the contrary words like, "mom ask me to ask when r u sending the school fees money " can hurt deeply.The question is what makes some people more sensitive than others over rejection? And how to handle rejection?I find myself asking these questions after talking to Joe over dinner at the Butcher's corner at the Emirates Mall, tonight. He was going through a depression, and I was a willing listener.Like me, he is an expat who has left his home country for a good fifteen years. Unlike me, he is single, having been married and divorced with three children who are living with his ex-wife. Unlike me, he is having a job and at no risk of losing it in the near future. A major difference between us however is in how we view life - I see a clear blue sky and he sees clouds hanging over his head.He spoke, and I chewed on my T-Bone steak slowly. He poured out his pain, frustration and ruminations. I sipped on my water melon juice and listened to his woes. Whenever he paused to pick at his rib-eye steak, I asked him more probing questions. Typically, my questions attracted more pause from him - not because he did not know the answer but he wasn't sure whether to say them out loud or to swallow them together with his half-chewed steak.To my question on why did he divorced his wife - what was the last straw which broke the camel's back, he responded with emotion in his voice, "I value relationship highly and sometimes I get disappointed and hurt because someone else does not value it as much as I do. My wife was one of those people. Too often, I was left to wonder whether she really loved me. For example she was always watching TV or at her computer when I was expecting her to pay attention to me. The final straw was too private for me to share, I hope you understand ".I felt for the guy. Recollecting his past with his ex-wife was hard for him. Perhaps I should not have asked. But I asked because I wanted to help him confront the truth - face the reality and do something about it.In my view, he is one of those people who spend far too much time ruminating or over thinking a situation. His mind has played trick on him, a form of self- sabotage. I am a believer that we need to snap out of our own rumination by finding a form of positive distraction. I am not a trained psychologist, so there is always a risk of being wrong in my hypothesis. But I was listening to him - and from experience, listening can't be too wrong.I asked a question about how he is doing at work. There were clouds there too - for he replied, "I felt somewhat like a voted out American Idol contestant. My colleagues always cut me off in meeting. My boss says I am good but not good enough for a promotion. The people who reports to me keep resigning. I think I am not recognized enough. I think I am not given a promotion I deserve because I refuse to play politics". I felt more concerned for the guy. His self-esteem was at a low. His self pity at a high. His productivity can't be that high if consider himself as a voted out contestant. Fortunately he was not working for me, for otherwise I may find myself having to counsel him out of his job. But fortunately also he is my friend, I wanted to help him bounce back!Then I asked who are his friends and whether he has friends at work? The reason for the question was for him to realize that he needs a network of friends who can support by feeding constant 'acceptance', ' sincere praises' and 'genuine feedback'. In my view, he badly needed those three but only from trusted people with proven relationship.His reply confirmed the worse, "Nobody. I don't trust anyone. I have lived away from my clan for far too long, and they are the only people I trust". Even superman needs recognitions and positive stroking. You need to rely on others too and can't behave like you are living on a deserted island. Therefore, a network of friends are important to have.We both did not finish our steak, and we both ordered coffee and a fruit platter for desert. The restaurant was getting busier from crowd who just came out from the cinemas. I asked whether he wanted to watch a movie with me? He declined saying that he prefer to use my time by talking.That was what we did until we have both done with two coffees and one bottle of Avian water too to wash the caffeine down. He did most of the talking and I did the listening. But it worked for him. When we were at the car park, he shook my hand and gave me a tight hug."Idham - good luck with your next job". He smiled as he got into his battered Land Cruiser.I guess that is why he is a good friend. Even in time of his darkness - he still remembered about my predicament."Take care Joe" I said as he drove past. I walked back into the mall to wait for my driver. A minute later, I received a text message on my mobile, "Id, TQ. Joe".I smiled. My weekend was well spent!
posted by idham @ Saturday, July 14, 2007

8 Comments:

At Saturday, July 14, 2007 3:50:00 AM , Cat Cat said...
En. Idham,Kesian Joe. Hopefully he will see the rainbow soon.

At Saturday, July 14, 2007 9:40:00 AM , ruby ahmad said...
Hi Id,Long time no hear. Reading this entry, I am reminded again that saying, 'You are what you think'. We have a big hand in our fate too. I agree, stop ruminating, just get on with it. Cheers.

At Saturday, July 14, 2007 11:14:00 PM , WAN ZUHA ISHAK said...
Kepercayaan daripada seorang kawan... Satu anugerah!!!

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 1:03:00 AM , D said...
I have no doubt that you are a good listener. Well done... May Joe find the true meaning of happiness soon, InsyaAllah. Errr.. have you suggested blogging to him? LOL!

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 8:54:00 AM , idham said...
cat cat...:)Joe is not his real name..and some of the facts have been modified to protect his privacy...idham

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 8:56:00 AM , idham said...
hai ruby....:)"whether we think we are okey or not okey - we are right!" -modified quote from Hnery Ford.Joe is quote determinded to end his single-hood. heheheany suitors?idham

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 8:58:00 AM , idham said...
wan zuha....:) don't worry....nama kawan dan rahsia asalnya tetap tersimpan....yang di paparkan cuma sipi2 dari perbualan kami....:)if the real 'joe' was to read this entry he will not even recognised the content except for the lunch venue.and by the way - he occassional reads.idham

At Sunday, July 15, 2007 8:59:00 AM , idham said...
D....i have. he reads blogs...includng urs....but he does not blog!idham
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The day has to come....I'll miss all of you!

-Special friends from the UAE based HR team.

The team in UAE invited me to a double farewell dinner - for Ahsan and myself.

Saying goodbye is never easy, and it is much harder when those you are leaving behind have been so kind during your stay. Such was the case for me tonight. I was overwhelmed with emotion. My blood pressure took a shot up, which made me flushed with heat and I felt drowsy. I actually left the dinner to visit a doctor for an emergency check-up. I returned to an applaud from the team - cheering me on until the last hour of my stay with them. Their kindness and support have been the reasons for me finding it so hard to say the words - to let them know how much I appreciated them, and how much I am going to miss them.

When I arrived at the dinner everyone including Ahsan who was leaving as well were already there. The set up was just right, informal and at a restaurent overlooking the Dubai ski in the Emirates mall. I was touched by everyone's presence - a few drove from Abu Dhabi to be there.

I started having hot flushes as soon as I took my sit and started interaction with them. There was so much to say, so many to thank but the words were getting stuck in my throat. Dianna alerted that I needed to go see a doctor - although I resisted, after much persuasion from everyone I relented.

The minute I was in the privacy of the car - tear drops touched my cheeks. I tried hard not to let Keesor who was driving and Albert who was accompanying me see my sorry state. I wasn't ready to say farewell to my team.

It is so hard to let go.....

When I returned from seeing a doctor, everyone has finished their main course. I felt much better after taking two pills given to me at the hospital.

I found a fresh breath of air and a certain calmness in facing them the second time. The words just flowed naturally, from the deepest part of my heart. I was relieved to finally able to say how I was feeling. I thanked everyone for their support during the four years that I was leading the team. But most of all, I wanted them to know I was touched by their friendship - and for having trusted me to be their leader.

Tomorrow will come, and it will not be just another day

for you will be on my mind, while I will be on my way

Tonight, we bid farewell and there was lot I wanted to say

words left unspoken, but I hope you could hear my heart whispering

........ your special friendship forever I'll keep remembering.

and a special thank you for all you have given me

thanking you too, for tolerating all of my follies

My sincere wish and prayers for your health, success and happiness

Goodbye my friends - spread your wings and fly

In my heart you will stay - I cheer you on to reach for the sky!

Goodbye dear friends......!

Transit....for a new journey!

My successor arrived on July 1st. Which means effective the same date, I am no longer the VP of my function for the company. Which means I am no longer the leader of my team. I am no longer a signatory for the company and do not hold any more executive role. Simply put, I do not have any more power!. I have been preparing myself mentally and emotionally for this day - for I know it was not going to be easy. When it came, I wasn't ready. Afterall, I did not want to leave this job, but my contract was not renewed. The company is paying my salary literally until I get another job, so I am grateful for the generousity but my pride is slighted. I became overly sensitive over mundane things. A friend replied to one of my mails and he referred to me as ..."boss". I replied back...."Boss??". His next reply was "all in good spirit". I snapped with..."not funny to someone who has just lost his position as a boss". He said I was too harsh. Maybe I was.....but I found him being insensitive, especially he has never called me by that word 'Boss' before.

On Thursday, Mr R reluctantly moved into my office. Someone has changed my name tag on the door to his the night before. He was apologetic. It was not his fault. I wasn't cool about it, and the lack of courtesy and sensitivity by whoever who took down my name tag was not acceptable. I demanded to know who took off my name tag and created a fuss. Enough fuss that the chairman reprimanded the facilities manager to make sure my name tag was restored and Mr R was moved to a spare office.

From July 1st until the end of the month, my objective is to do an effective hand-over and pass the baton to Mr R, the new guy. The fact that he is such a nice gentleman helps. In a way, I could not have wished for a better successor - I know in my gut that he is not the type who will witch-hunt for any skeletons and spill out any worms from the period of my tenure to shame his predecessor for his own glory. At the end of July, I will no longer be with this company - and I have a mixed feeling about that.

On his part, Mr R has been very appreciative of the way I welcomed him into the organization and the support I am providing. For the whole of this month, we will be traveling together, staying at the same hotel, and on certain occasions even ordered the same items from the menu. I want to see him successful in his new job, and I want to see that my team feels comfortable with their new leader.
I have had two already who came to hug me with their eyes all red, holding back their emotions.

On one occassion when a staff member came in to say farewell early because he was leaving for his vacation, I was overwhelmed with emotion. After we hugged, I signalled for him to leave me alone -I turned facing the window to manage my own emotion. And the trigger was his simple words, "Sir, I will miss you and your kind leadership". In a harsh corporate world, I found his sincerity and appreciation overwhelming.
Arabs can be very emotional when it comes to relationship. For their sake too, this hand-over will be the best I can ever do.

I am looking forward to starting my vacation, joining my family back home in Kuala Lumpur. I am excited with the event at the Darul Izzah Orphanage! My way of spreading love is to be there.....and I am happy when I know I have made someone else happy.
Being the optimist that I am, my mind is already focused on starting a new job, one which I do not yet have and still am looking - the past is as good as what lessons it provide, the present is here to be rejoiced, and tomorrow is where our future and hopes are.
This is a transit which I find energizing. An opportunity to open a new chapter, meet new set of people and paint a clean canvas with my footprint! How often indeed do we get such an opportunity? Transitioning is an action in the present - a time to recollect past lessons, regroup past experiences, and re-focus onto the future!

Called LiL and the boys the moment I woke up this morning and just listening to her voice filled with happiness while enjoying the home coming in KL made me smile and gave me a kick start to the day. When she paused for breath, all I could say into the mouth piece was..."I want to go homeeeeeeeeeeeee".

Despite everything, Malaysia is home! For a man in transit - waiting can feel long.