Relationship trivials...

Amongst friends, I am usually the one who calls, extend invitation, suggesting a meet and get together.....I find it hard to spend a day without connecting with other human beings, especially those who I find reciprocating my feelings towards them.
Often, when I called a friend, his or her first response is, "Oh ...hai....I was just thinking about you".
I often chuckled when I hear that, and my reply normally is, ".....yes, but I am the one who call...".

I do have many friends, both male and female, and a couple of the in-between. I tend to stay longer as friends and get closer to those who understand me - and accept me for who I am. But that is like saying I drink because I am thirsty - so obvious, isn't it. For example, when I noticed that a few so called friends did not even bother to wish me for my fiftieth birthday - and I went "Ermmmm....Naper ek?? ". At the same time, I do have long lost friends who have been silent for years suddenly surprised me with text messages or emails remembering that special day in my life. And I went smiling and it made me feel good!
Among other things, to me friendship is about making others feel good, appreciated and remembered. In a world of dogs eat dogs, we can do with a few true friends.

I have a few friends from childhood with whom nothing can come in between. Our relationship have stood the test of time and the test of dimes.
A few friendships nurtured along the life journey have also turned into special bonding and understanding. These are friendships not based on 'benefits'. These are friendship so special that we can start taking each other for granted, and nothing would matter.

At this phase of my life, I tend to reach out more and more to the same friends who have accepted gracefully, have given sincerely, have spoken truthfully, and have shared both moments of sorrows and joys.

My marriage to LiL is founded on friendship first, and love second. We were very close friends before we were lovers. She knew all of my faults, and I was her classic example of a man she did not wish to marry. Thus we were friends.....very good friends because she did not have to put a show for me and I for her. We were ourselves....She even tried to stitch me up with one of her best friends!
Now, I have been asked, "Tell me, how come LiL is so tolerant of your crazy behaviour?"
The answer is in friendship. None of my bahaviour come as a surprise anymore - she has seen all of the signs and traits before she fell in love. She accepted me for who I am. Our love is the love of a true friend who sees the need to support during moments of weakness and a love based on trust that no matter what, till death do us part. We take that part of our relationship for granted! Just like I took her arrival to Dubai this morning for granted.....and at 4am today she did!

You owe her a goodbye...!

Pre amble:
I was attending a meeting in Amsterdam. Actually it was a farewell party for me given by my ex-boss at Unilever. While on the trip, I met a lady who told me about her 'broken heart', when her boyfriend for over a decade just walked out on her. Upon my return, I wrote the entry below.

Dear Heart breaker,

I am writing this letter to you not because I know you, but because I know the person whose heart you have just broken. You left without explanation. You disappeared without goodbyes. That was not the way you started years ago....for then, you treated her like a princess. You showered her with kindness. You lifted her high. And now you dropped her shattering ....Why?

You may have found someone new. But, it is only expected that before you move on to the new....for you to end the old! A proper closure is as necessary as a proper beginning. Why do you leave it hanging. Why are you making her feel cheated and feel stupid. Do you realize that you are hurting her? Yes, she is the same person whom you have protected from being hurt by others for the past years.

Heart breaker,

Please do not make she to curse the day she surrendered her heart to you. Make yourself worthy of her love and the love you have shared with her. The love you once offered..Most importantly, I think you owe it to yourself, to have the guts to say why you are leaving, that you are having a change of heart..even minor..even slight..

What you have done to her, is similar to treating her like a toy on a shelf...for if this one does not work.. you dump, and pick up another. In case you have forgotten, you are no longer a child picking toys in a toy store. You are adults dealing with people's lives. Before you move...take a look at your past...Have the courage to say goodbye.

Do not make them feel small...do not make them feel blind...Before you move....heed these words from the wise.."love is blind but hate has eyes".

Dear Heart breaker,

As humans, we are not immune to a change of heart. When we do change, it is also best to be open and move on with our own lives. But there are ways on how to leave.

We are talking about your feeling and her feeling here. So involve her in a discussion. Give her an equal chance to plot out what is the best way to deal with the situation. How do both of you transcend from being people in love to being ordinary friends. As the saying goes, "Please have the balls".

Dear Heartbroken,

I apologise for not being able to stay longer listening and providing support to you during this difficult period. What you shared with me will remain private. I am posting here an open letter which may be useful to you and others with similar experience. For as long as there is love, there will be heartbreaking moments - the best we can do is to be better at handling those moments when they happen.

We grieve break-ups. Love is a beautiful thing - a feeling of being alive and appreciated. When love comes to an end, our happiness is destroyed. Our sense of security disappeared. We have to deal not only with the loss of our partners, but also the loss of ourselves. The former, is not within our control. But the later - ourselves - is within us not to lose. We may lose everything, but must never lose ourselves!

Accepting that it is over! To me that is a critical step. I personally found writing down on paper why the relationship has to end really helpful. Write down pluses and minuses of continuing, and soon we ourselves will realize that breaking up is the best thing for both parties. We may even be surprised why were so blinded before. Hopefully....that is the case with you too!

Be aware of natural emotional and intuitive reaction to blame ourselves as the cause, and to pursue in mending a broken relationship. Everyone requires help and support from friends at this stage. Have a heart to heart talk with trusted friends. Don't blame yourselves, and with acceptance that it is over, do not pursue. Find your own closure, if closure with the heart breaker is not possible. Bring yourself up a level - pause, and be aware of your own strengths. How special you are as a person. Focus on your great values and traits. Love yourself!

Forgiveness is a great healer! By forgiving ourselves, we can save our emotion from downward spiral of self-pity and self-sabotage. By forgiving ourselves, we can move on faster and quicker. And secondly, it is about forgiving him. This is second, because unless you have forgiven yourself, it is not possible to forgive him fully.

Forgive him, even if he does get to know about it. From personal experience, by forgiving a heavy load lifted. It is liberating!

On the reverse side to forgiveness, anger and vengeance are so potent in poisoning your own heart. Bitterness generates negative thoughts and actions. Stay positive, be forgiving!

I know that I am making all sound easy. No, it is not. Break-ups are not easy. And if your own effort and even with the help of your trusted friends do not help, then it is necessary to seek professional advise. We live this life only once - live it to your own plot and script, and not to the plot and script written for you by the heart breakers.

A few more practical tips :

- Get rid of any thing which reminds you of him. His ashtray, his favourite CDs, his aftershave, etc etc.

- Stay close to trusted friends and relatives with whom you can open up freely and who understand you.

- Stay close to God. His love and compassion are unconditional.

- If it works better, take vacation from work. But keep yourself busy. For some it is better to stay at work. Know what works best for you.

- Develop new rituals and routines that aren't dependent on the other person.

- Indulge for yourself. Treat yourself to SPA, hairdo, new pair of shoes, etc. Feel good about yourself.....Relaunch yourself! This is an opportunity to be a new you....

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread"

~Mother Teresa

More on approaching FIFTY..~!

Will my conscience sleep!

When you are away

will my conscience sleep

should I leave the door open

for cool breeze to soothe my feet.

While you are asleep

why am I awake

staring into darkness

finding solace in emptiness

shall I let my conscience floats

like foams on troubled water

blown by winds and dance with the waves

broken by the shore

does that even our scores?

Will my conscience sleeps

when I serenade out of tune

to the full moon outside

while you turn in your own bed

so what do we keep?

a promise?

or what we think is right?

or a reality which bites!

Tonight, like every other

i'm a traveler enveloped by summer

loneliness is my pillow

darkness hides my sorrow

and i curl here, alone

on my own

and you

on your own.

Again morning sun comes too soon

taking away the darker side of the moon

jolted by this break of day

I want to scream out my dream

but instead I whisper softly your name

for in my heart - I confess without shame

you are my conscience!

you keep me hanging on

when I am at the end of my rope

you tie me a knot

when I am on a slippery slope

you are my conscience......

you keep me going

you give me hope.

-idham, 26-08, room 829, crowne plaza, dubai.

When I was a young boy, I looked up to men of fifty with awe and fear. Awed for they somehow looked very wise, ones who had answers to every questions. Feared because they came across as stern, serious and unapproachable. The death of my father robbed me not only of a fatherly love but also of a father figure. I grew up envying my friends, and feeling sorry for my mother. I tried to help her with what little plot of rubber trees we had. I remember my early childhood as one filled with love but also with loneliness. I was feeling sorry for my mother each time I heard she cried in the darkness of the night. Each morning before Fajr prayer when I heard her reciting the Quran I felt hope and calmness. When I was a little boy, I wanted to be successful for her sake and for the sake of my sisters who had sacrificed their own schooling to make way for me. My mother could only afford one of us through school. Orphaned at a young age myself - I felt for the boys at the Darul Izzah.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be thirty. To me at the time, being thirty means happiness and fulfilment. I dreamt of having a family, having a good job, owning a house and having sufficient money to spend. Looking back, I was right only on having a family and owning a small house. The job was ok but I remember frustrations of having to do things which in my view were trivial and counter to my intuition. Financially I was constantly in the red at the end of every month. I used one credit card to pay for another, and was constantly digging holes to cover another holes of expenses. Life wasn't as sweet as what a teenager me dreamt of.

By mid thirty I have committed all the sins imaginable and had erred on many of my own decisions. Learnt from most of them I did, and as a result I had grown wiser and smarter in handling life's tribulation. By this time, I was able to say to most "I've been there, I've done that". Mentally I refused to grow older beyond mid thirty. A promotion into a directorship position brought along a new level of income which afforded us a bigger house and a luxury European made car. Life was fun at mid thirties....and I did not want to grow any older.

A combination of money, power and mid-life crisis made my decade of being forty a colourful phase. My marriage went on the rock - all my doings, and survived - all credit to LiL's enduring love. My career progressed into the international arena - moved from KL to Singapore then to the Middle East. I lost my dearest mother, and were blessed with our youngest son. I became financially independent - being an expat has a lot to do with it, but emotionally dependent - having lost my mother, I experienced a huge void in my life.

The forties were probably the most glorious years of my life. By this time, I have seen three quarter of the world having traveled to all of Asia, most of Europe and Africa, parts of North America.

Approaching fifty on 26-08, I wish for calmer waters for my ship to sail. I wish for good health, for wisdom to prevail in my decision and action. I wish for more time with my family. I wish to keep and nurture my existing friendship and not make new enemies. Life is a loan to us all, and I have almost paid off my interest and now reducing my principle. At fifty plus, I am an 'orang tua' but hopefully one whom young kids does not find too stern and too fearsome. For I hope they will see the child in me still wanting to play.....

To my own children, I will gently remind that as you grow into being young men and woman

and your mom and I grow older......the equation of love changes. Older people are more sensitive - so be more perceptive with us. We tend to be grumpy - bear with us. We may be forgetful and losing things - help us to remember. We may fall ill - nurse us with kindness. We may advise when you least want us to do so - pause before you shut us up.

We are your parents whose love never dies. All I am asking is for you to be our children whose love continue to grow with each passing day!

To LiL and my children,

Thank you for the birthday party you did for me in Kuala Lumpur. The gifts are wonderful...and I really appreciate your loving thoughts and gestures.

"Brief is Life, But Love is Long......" Quote from anon.