Friday, August 31, 2007

Merdeka dan aku....

" dia ada ayah yang merdeka!"
suka tenguk Tun di beri penghormatan!
"demimu Malaysia!"
"Thank You Tunku!"
banyak lagi gambar-gambar dari galeri photo The Star - di sini!


"Ramai kan orang mak, nanti kalau Menteri datang mak angkat kita ye, kita nak tenguk dia". Idham tercungap-cungap di antara berjalan dan berlari dalam usaha untuk menyamai langkah ibunya. Jalan tanah merah menghala ke sekolah bertali arus dengan manusia bagaikan himpunan koloni semut merah mengangkat gula ke sarang. Ada yang bersuluhkan lampu, namun yang ramainya hanya berpandukan cahaya bulan yang seolah-olah bersama merayaikan. Idham cuba menghayati langkah pendekar yang berperang menentang penjajah, namun langkahnya kerap sumbang. Dia mampu tersenyum melihat gelagatnya sendiri, berlari anak dan berjalan pantas di pimpin ibu. Keramaian dan kemeriahan warga kampung Kemubu telah dirasai sejak pagi lagi apabila jeep jabatan penerangan Kelantan menghebahkan pengumumam 'Yang berhormat Wakil Rakyat' akan ke padang sekolah rendah di kampung itu malam nanti sempena menyambut ulang tahun kemerdekaan. Malaysia ketika itu sepuluh tahun merdeka. Bermakna Idham juga sudah sepuluh tahun usia.

Ibu Idham sendiri yang beriya-iya benar ingin membawa Idham ke perayaan kemerdekaan itu. Dan sejak selepas waktu zuhur sebaik Idham pulang dari belajar mengaji Al Qur'an ibu telah bercerita tentang erti kemerdekaan. Cerita ibu bercampur-campur antara kisah kekejaman Jepun, kemudian penjajahan Inggeris dan kemudiannya bagaiman Tunku dan pemimpin negara berjaya mengibarkan bendera negara yang merdeka. Ibu beraksikan laungan Merdeka dengan genggaman tangannya menumbuk udara. Idham mampu mengikuti dan sungguh megah dia ketika itu. Namun ada masanya wajah ibu serius. Di satu ketika, ibu bagaikan menahan airmatanya dari mengalir.

"Masa kita mula-mula merdeka tu mak baru bersalin kan kamu Idham. Umur kamu masa tu tak sampai pun seminggu. Arwah ayah ingin sangat pergi ke padang sekolah lama tu bersama orang ramai sama-sama menyambut hari pertama kemerdekaan. Tapi sebab dia tak mahu meninggalkan kamu, ayah tidak pergi. Siang malam dia asyek menatap wajah kamu saja. Katanya, dah lama dia menunggu anak lelaki." Ibu Idham menjadi hiba ketika mencerita tentang ayahnya. Namun dia menyambung......"Selepas itu itu setiap kali perayaan menyambut kemerdekaan, arwah ayah kamu tidak ketinggalan membawa kamu ke padang sekolah. Sehinggalah dia jatuh sakit.....dan pergi buat selamanya. Waktu itu kamu masih kecil ...."
Idham terkebil-kebil mendengar cerita tentang ayah yang dia sendiri hanya kenali melalui dua nesan yang kaku.
Pernah dia bertanya kepada ibu, "Mak, mak rasa ayah tahu ka kita datang ke kubur dia?"
Namun bila dia melihat yang ibunya sebak dengan pertanyan seperti itu, Idham tidak mengulangi lagi.

Setiba mereka ke pintu pagar kawasan sekolah yang baru saja di beri cat baru, keadaan sudah sesak. Kedengaran nyanyian lagu2 patriotik dari corong pembesar suara. Langkah kecil Idham semakin bersemangat ingin ke depan. Ibu hanya mengikut tarikan dari Idham, namun orang ramai yang berpusu-pusu menyukarkan pergerakan mereka.
Idham melonjak-lonjak ingin melihat apa yang berlaku di atas pentas. Hatinya begitu cemburu dengan rakan-rakan sebaya yang duduk di atas bahu bapa masing-masing bertepuk-tepuk dengan kegembiraan. Idham merenung ibunya, namun dia sendiri tahu jawapannya - tidak mungkin!.
Bagaikan mengerti keinginan Idham, seorang ibu melutut dan meminta anak kecilnya menaiki bahunya. Namun Idham cuma mampu mengeleng-ngeleng, sambil memeluk dan mencium pipi ibunya. Pipi yang telah pun di basahi airmata kecintaan seorang ibu. Airmata yang begitu ingin memberi kekuatan seorang ayah yang telah tiada kepada anak kecil nya.
Anak dan ibu berpelukan di dalam kesamaran malam. Idham berbisik, "Ibu jangan nangis bu.....Idham tak tenguk pun tak ape.....nanti Idham dah besar nanti Idham dapat datang tenguk lagi".

Malam ini, Malaysia menyambut ulang tahun kemerdekaan ke lima puluh. Malam ini, jauh di perantauan Idham terlonjak-lonjak ingin bersama merayakan. Malam ini jiwanya meronta ingin bersama, seperti janji nya kepada arwah ibunda. Malam ini dia mengingati betapa ayahnya dulu mementingkan untuk bersamanya dan ibu, dari menjejaki malam untuk ke perayaan. Malam ini, hatinya tersentuh mengingati arwah ibu tercinta....masih terasa kehangatan air mata yang membasahi pipi ibu empat puluh tahun lampau. Malam ini, dia juga tidak ke mana-mana - hanya dalam samar malam dari kamar yang sudah sepi, dia sujud mengingati kedua ibu dan ayah. Dia ingin bersama mereka. Malam ini......pipinya juga basah dengan air mata rindu dan kasih yang tak dapat di bayangkan dengan kata-kata. Inilah anugerah kemerdekaan untuk dirinya.....Inilah kemerdekaan yang dia sendiri rasakan, impian ibu dan ayahnya dari dulu......Doa dari seorang anak yang terus merindui......

Kemerdekaan itu milik dan anugerah kita untuk diri sendiri. Tiada siapa lagi yang boleh menjajah kita kecuali kita sendiri.....dan tiada siapa juga yang boleh memerdekaan kecuali dari hati yang sudah mengerti apa itu kemerdekaan untuk diri sendiri!

Tahun lepas, catitan aku mengenai Kemerdekaan ada di-sini! pun di tulis dalam bahasa melayu.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Relationship trivials...

Amongst friends, I am usually the one who calls, extend invitation, suggesting a meet and get together.....I find it hard to spend a day without connecting with other human beings, especially those who I find reciprocating my feelings towards them.
Often, when I called a friend, his or her first response is, "Oh ...hai....I was just thinking about you".
I often chuckled when I hear that, and my reply normally is, ".....yes, but I am the one who call...".

I do have many friends, both male and female, and a couple of the in-between. I tend to stay longer as friends and get closer to those who understand me - and accept me for who I am. But that is like saying I drink because I am thirsty - so obvious, isn't it. For example, when I noticed that a few so called friends did not even bother to wish me for my fiftieth birthday - and I went "Ermmmm....Naper ek?? ". At the same time, I do have long lost friends who have been silent for years suddenly surprised me with text messages or emails remembering that special day in my life. And I went smiling and it made me feel good!
Among other things, to me friendship is about making others feel good, appreciated and remembered. In a world of dogs eat dogs, we can do with a few true friends.

I have a few friends from childhood with whom nothing can come in between. Our relationship have stood the test of time and the test of dimes.
A few friendships nurtured along the life journey have also turned into special bonding and understanding. These are friendships not based on 'benefits'. These are friendship so special that we can start taking each other for granted, and nothing would matter.

At this phase of my life, I tend to reach out more and more to the same friends who have accepted gracefully, have given sincerely, have spoken truthfully, and have shared both moments of sorrows and joys.

My marriage to LiL is founded on friendship first, and love second. We were very close friends before we were lovers. She knew all of my faults, and I was her classic example of a man she did not wish to marry. Thus we were friends.....very good friends because she did not have to put a show for me and I for her. We were ourselves....She even tried to stitch me up with one of her best friends!
Now, I have been asked, "Tell me, how come LiL is so tolerant of your crazy behaviour?"
The answer is in friendship. None of my bahaviour come as a surprise anymore - she has seen all of the signs and traits before she fell in love. She accepted me for who I am. Our love is the love of a true friend who sees the need to support during moments of weakness and a love based on trust that no matter what, till death do us part. We take that part of our relationship for granted! Just like I took her arrival to Dubai this morning for granted.....and at 4am today she did!

Monday, August 27, 2007

You owe her a goodbye...!

Pre amble:
I was attending a meeting in Amsterdam. Actually it was a farewell party for me given by my ex-boss at Unilever. While on the trip, I met a lady who told me about her 'broken heart', when her boyfriend for over a decade just walked out on her. Upon my return, I wrote the entry below.


Dear Heart breaker,
I am writing this letter to you not because I know you, but because I know the person whose heart you have just broken. You left without explanation. You disappeared without goodbyes. That was not the way you started years ago....for then, you treated her like a princess. You showered her with kindness. You lifted her high. And now you dropped her shattering ....Why?


You may have found someone new. But, it is only expected that before you move on to the new....for you to end the old! A proper closure is as necessary as a proper beginning. Why do you leave it hanging. Why are you making her feel cheated and feel stupid. Do you realize that you are hurting her? Yes, she is the same person whom you have protected from being hurt by others for the past years.


Heart breaker,
Please do not make she to curse the day she surrendered her heart to you. Make yourself worthy of her love and the love you have shared with her. The love you once offered..Most importantly, I think you owe it to yourself, to have the guts to say why you are leaving, that you are having a change of heart..even minor..even slight..

What you have done to her, is similar to treating her like a toy on a shelf...for if this one does not work.. you dump, and pick up another. In case you have forgotten, you are no longer a child picking toys in a toy store. You are adults dealing with people's lives. Before you move...take a look at your past...Have the courage to say goodbye.

Do not make them feel small...do not make them feel blind...Before you move....heed these words from the wise.."love is blind but hate has eyes".


Dear Heart breaker,
As humans, we are not immune to a change of heart. When we do change, it is also best to be open and move on with our own lives. But there are ways on how to leave.
We are talking about your feeling and her feeling here. So involve her in a discussion. Give her an equal chance to plot out what is the best way to deal with the situation. How do both of you transcend from being people in love to being ordinary friends. As the saying goes, "Please have the balls".


Dear Heartbroken,
I apologise for not being able to stay longer listening and providing support to you during this difficult period. What you shared with me will remain private. I am posting here an open letter which may be useful to you and others with similar experience. For as long as there is love, there will be heartbreaking moments - the best we can do is to be better at handling those moments when they happen.


We grieve break-ups. Love is a beautiful thing - a feeling of being alive and appreciated. When love comes to an end, our happiness is destroyed. Our sense of security disappeared. We have to deal not only with the loss of our partners, but also the loss of ourselves. The former, is not within our control. But the later - ourselves - is within us not to lose. We may lose everything, but must never lose ourselves!


Accepting that it is over! To me that is a critical step. I personally found writing down on paper why the relationship has to end really helpful. Write down pluses and minuses of continuing, and soon we ourselves will realize that breaking up is the best thing for both parties. We may even be surprised why were so blinded before. Hopefully....that is the case with you too!


Be aware of natural emotional and intuitive reaction to blame ourselves as the cause, and to pursue in mending a broken relationship. Everyone requires help and support from friends at this stage. Have a heart to heart talk with trusted friends. Don't blame yourselves, and with acceptance that it is over, do not pursue. Find your own closure, if closure with the heart breaker is not possible. Bring yourself up a level - pause, and be aware of your own strengths. How special you are as a person. Focus on your great values and traits. Love yourself!


Forgiveness is a great healer! By forgiving ourselves, we can save our emotion from downward spiral of self-pity and self-sabotage. By forgiving ourselves, we can move on faster and quicker. And secondly, it is about forgiving him. This is second, because unless you have forgiven yourself, it is not possible to forgive him fully.

Forgive him, even if he does get to know about it. From personal experience, by forgiving a heavy load lifted. It is liberating!

On the reverse side to forgiveness, anger and vengeance are so potent in poisoning your own heart. Bitterness generates negative thoughts and actions. Stay positive, be forgiving!

I know that I am making all sound easy. No, it is not. Break-ups are not easy. And if your own effort and even with the help of your trusted friends do not help, then it is necessary to seek professional advise. We live this life only once - live it to your own plot and script, and not to the plot and script written for you by the heart breakers.


A few more practical tips :
- Get rid of any thing which reminds you of him. His ashtray, his favourite CDs, his aftershave, etc etc.
- Stay close to trusted friends and relatives with whom you can open up freely and who understand you.
- Stay close to God. His love and compassion are unconditional.
- If it works better, take vacation from work. But keep yourself busy. For some it is better to stay at work. Know what works best for you.
- Develop new rituals and routines that aren't dependent on the other person.
- Indulge for yourself. Treat yourself to SPA, hairdo, new pair of shoes, etc. Feel good about yourself.....Relaunch yourself! This is an opportunity to be a new you....


"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread"
~Mother Teresa